The Learning Put to Test - Essay Example

The Learning put to test Motivational books, journals, lectures and videos serve a great purpose in creating a thinking that everything is possible. For some days the positive effect of these motivational experience lingers and then we get back to the mundane, to the habits and to the patterns that our mind and the body is used to. The question is, do we really learn or just get an intellectual entertainment from these sources? I had a great opportunity of knowing where I stand as far as my knowledge of human behavior was concerned. In one of the trainings that I attended, I was asked to be a part of a role play. I felt challenged. The scenario given was as follows: You are in a meeting and one of your colleagues suggest an idea you know will not work. As you suggest to the group that this is not practical , the colleague who suggested the idea turns and states You are always the person who does not want to hear my ideas. She then storms out of the meeting. You set up a time to meet with your colleague. From the description, the scenario looked quite achievable and easy to work in. However, it proved to be not that easy. Ego does not allow a role play to remain a role play. A role play can be taken as a fun exercise but eventually it becomes a competition as you know that others are watching and studying you. This role play helped me a lot not only in understanding my knowledge but also knowing that the techniques that we learn in the books and the trainings can genuinely work wonders and are amazing as far as practical life is concerned. It is not just a theory. First, I will discuss the scenario and how it progressed. Next, I will explain as to what was happening in my mind, what I actually was thinking and why I did certain things. Scenario and role play:To make things easy to understand, let us call myself ‘Me’ and my colleague, ‘Amy’. Our group was discussing about a topic of having a group trip to the beach. Amy is a family person as I am. The topic was whether we want to have an overnight stay at the beach hotel or want to come back the Saturday night . Amy wanted to have an overnight stay at the beach. This was not an acceptable idea for two reasons. 1) Our budget did not allow an overnight stay and 2) Most of the group including the trainer wanted a one day trip. ‘Start early, reach early, have fun the whole day and comeback by night’, was my suggestion. However, Amy was very frustrated with this suggestion as she wanted an overnight stay. The discussion that started as fun got little serious and she stormed out of the meeting saying that I am the one who always refuses to hear her ideas. A time was fixed to meet her and sort things out. Human behavior is a creation of millions and millions of emotions, opinions, brain associations, suppressed desires and expressions. What emotion will strike when and how you will react to it is always unfathomable. It needs great practice and analysis to know yourself and your emotional pattern. So it was good that I got time for myself to understand things and to make a mental preparation so that I could remain calm and composed when I have a conversation with her. The situation that aroused in the meeting was definitely a conflict situation. It triggered a little anxiety and excitement in me as it was a role play and people were going to watch me. I was thinking that I will work out all the aspects of a conflict situation very easily. After all, it’s just a role play! However, I was proved wrong. My first step started before I got inside the room. I realized that I was tense and was getting stressed about the whole situation. I knew that I need to practice centring technique. Centring is a technique that balances our emotional, mental and physical aspects and hence helps us to respond in a mature and calm manner in any stressful situation. [1] (Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia Chapter Aikido, Pg.2) So becoming calm and centred was very important. Centring, on a spiritual level means responding from your hara chakra ( Hara chakra is a Sanskrit word for the energy centre which is located just below the navel) which is called the base of life. If you are centred, you are calm and the stress level decreases to a great degree. Fortunately I knew a technique which, when practiced makes you directly to work from hara chakra. The best way is to keep your hand a little below your navel, put a slight pressure and breathe deeply so that you feel the breath touching the hara chakra. This helped me to calm down and feel centred. [2] ( Osho, 2002, Pg 18-19) The setup was a room with a round tea table and two chairs on both sides. I entered the room and found Amy sitting on the chair. Her hands were on the table and she was sitting uptight with her palms clenched, clearly showing that she was tense and in negative mood. I smiled slightly and started the conversation Me: Hi! You must be feeling like grabbing my neck and banging me on the table! (While I was saying this, I was also doing the action of banging the head on the table, in a comic way. This made Amy smile)…………………… 1 Amy: No! It’s just that I don’t find you encouraging. You always refuse my ideas even before you listen to them. I sat on the chair and actually was a little blank as to how I should handle this conflict. It was a mental block that I had to get over. Me: I am sorry if I made you feel that way. I had no intention of doing it. It’s just that my family is important to me and I think we should spend more time with them.. Amy: So you think my family is important to me? (At this point of time, she was very angry and felt criticized. I felt a little agitated and felt like blurting out, “Then why do you want to stay overnight?!!” However, I decided to control my feelings and try to understand her feelings. I needed to know her intention of having an overnight stay at the beach. So I started to probe.)…………2 Me: I did not mean that Amy. I am pretty sure you are a family person and understand how important it is to spend some quality time with them. Maybe you have some special reason of having an overnight stay which probably I am not aware of. Am I missing something, because you never suggested an overnight stay during our previous trips? ………………. 3 Amy hesitated a little here. Amy: Yes! There is. I have whole lot of relatives at my place and I don’t want to be with them. If I say that I have an official trip going, no one will take any objection. And that’s the reason I want it! I don’t want you to give me any of your opinions. I just want it to be my way this time. And just because you have an objection doesn’t mean that we are not going to have it, do you understand?! (She again became angry and this time she pounded her fist on table. This time even I lost my control. However, I again breathed deeply and calmed down and imagined that I was centered.) Me: Sure, I understand how you are feeling. Even I had some relatives who were with me last month and I felt the same. You are absolutely free to go ahead with your idea. However, I was just wondering. How about coming up with an idea where your problem will be solved and mine too? I am sure there must be something that we can work out. What do you say?……………………. 4 With this kind of proposal, Amy could do nothing but be open to the options. I was offering a proposal where she was going to benefit. This calmed her down to great extent and made her open to my suggestions. Amy: Fine! I don’t mind! Let’s see what you have? (By this time I was breathing calmly and her being open to my suggestions gave me a confidence that we can resolve the conflict. Her behavior showed that even she wants a positive resolution to this.)…………5 Me: Hhhmmmm. I am thinking. So from what I understand, not spending time with your relatives is the only reason you want to stay overnight, right? (She nodded.) Me: So, is it ok with you if you stay at your friend’s place and tell your relatives that you are on overnight trip? (She nodded again and her eyes showed curiosity. I understood that she was open to what I was suggesting.) Then I continued. Me: How about you staying with me for a night. My husband and I have decided to have a small party for friends on Sunday. You can be a part of that party and leave on Sunday. This way, your purpose will be solved and even I will get to come back home and spend some time with my family. What do you think of it!?................6 (I was feeling very smart and satisfied with this suggestion. She was getting what she wanted and I was getting what I wanted. I could see that she was happy with that suggestion) Amy: That’s absolutely fine with me. I have no problem as long as I can have a nice place to stay so that I can be away from my relatives! I am in for the idea. Me: That’s great then! Let’s go and talk to the group. And we left the room with a win-win resolution. ……….7 Analysis: Now let us take a look at the role play step by step. I made mistakes and I recovered quickly. First of all, let me stress here that I am a great follower of the theories of emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman’s Emotional intelligence is a theory that has covered every important aspect of human behavior and has given different methods to make relationships better. The methods work successfully and have a long lasting power. Let us take a look at the role play and analyze it. Step 1 : I entered the room and spoke about the way she must be feeling about me. Icebreakers are helpful to break a barrier of emotional distance and alien ness between two people. The icebreakers should be such that the other person feels that her feelings are understood [3] ( Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia ,Icebreakers and energizers, pg.2) This makes people to think that the other has the ability to understand what he/she is going through. The directness of my description of her feelings about me hit her and she let go of the tense posture she was in. She laughed and the ice breaker proved to be very successful. Step 2: In the second step, I went blank and rather than focusing on what Amy was saying, I started thinking about how to tackle her. This took away my attention from our conversation and rather than talking about her feelings, I started talking about me. I lost the chance of listening and coming to a comfortable position of empathizing with her. (Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia ,Chapter 3. Empathy, , pg.9) [4]. However, I recovered from the loss of understanding by becoming aware of the situations and my thoughts. This helped me to take a next step of listening to her. Self awareness helps in bringing you out of the negative mood that you are in and go ahead positively with your next action. [5] ( Goleman, 1995, Pg.61) Step 3: This step was where I started making her feel that I understand her. I asked her if she has any special reason for the idea that she had suggested . She was completely aware that the budget was not enough to cover the expenses of overnight stay. The empathetic probing helped in opening her feelings and made her feel comfortable to openly come out with her feelings. Step 4: Here she became a little aggressive knowing that it was her ‘personal’ reason that was a force behind her decision to stay overnight. Giving a personal example, I did my best to empathize with her and immediately proposed a win-win approach [6]. (Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia ,Chapter 1. Win-win Approach, pg.5) Step 5: She was completely a different person. She became relaxed, open and co- operative. This gave me a great hope as I realized that I can resolve this conflict. The positive energy in the environment released the tension and mad up both relaxed and creative. As Daniel Goleman has said in his book Emotional Intelligence, “ Hope plays a surprisingly potent role in life.” ( Goleman, 1995,Page.98) Step 6: This was where I needed to gain her confidence by letting her know that I was listening to her. So I paraphrased her thoughts and situation[7] (Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia , Chapter 3. Empathy, pg. 12). Then one by one I tackled her problem. First I asked her if she is ok to stay out no matter where. Once she agreed I suggested a place that is going to be agreeable to her. By offering her solutions I was helping her out of her situation and also was working towards solving my problem. And all the while, I was taking care of her needs. And that made things very easy. Step 7: Here the agreement was done and we were happy with the win-win outcome. The role play was short and productive. I give the credit to my being centering and understanding the situation from the point of emotional aspect. There are many methods and techniques provided in self help books. However, if the intention is not genuine, things do not work out, and even if they work, the resolution is a temporary . So being genuine and functioning from guts is very important. Otherwise any effort to create a dialogue and having a productive relationship goes in vain. I found the role play very productive. However, at the same time, I understand that I still lost control once. And that was because I was thinking about how to win. Maybe if I would have genuinely thought about Amy’s concern right from the beginning, it would have been easy for me to handle the situation naturally rather than making conscious efforts. And this can be achieved when you are centered. One thing is very clear. Rather than working on body language, word patterns, and techniques etc, it is always better to work with your emotions. Emotional healing is the best way to have a healthy relationship, whether it is personal or professional. Any conflict that arises is mostly based on our understanding of that situation and people involved and also our emotional response to those stimulus [8]. ( Tillet G. and French B., 2000, Pg.2) So the conflicts can only be resolved by healing our emotions and having self awareness. We hardly forget any bad emotional encounters. They are stored in our subconscious mind and are triggered by small and trivial stimulus [9].( Goleman, 1995, Pg.164). That’s why I believe and know it in my guts that to have a happy and nurturing relationships, I need a happy and nurturing ‘me’. And that is possible with Emotional intelligence and centering. References 1. Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia: The Conflict Resolution Network , 26th November 2008 and 27th November 2008 2.Goleman Daniel, Emotional Intelligence, Why it can matter more than IQ, Bantam Publishing, New York, 1995 3. Tillet Gregory and French Brendan, Resolving Conflict: A Practical Approach,. Oxford university presssouth Melbourne Victoria, Australia ,2000 4. Osho, Osho times Pune: Tao Publishing PVT.LTD, June 2002, Citations. 1) Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia: The Conflict Resolution Network, ‘Aikido’ , Pg. 2, 26th nov’2008 < http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=77>, 2) Osho, Osho times Pune: Tao Publishing PVT.LTD, June 2002, page.18-19 3) Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia: The Conflict Resolution Network, Icebreakers and energizers, Pg.2, 26th nov’2008 < http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=77> 4) Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia: The Conflict Resolution Network, Chapter 3. Empathy Pg.9, 27th nov’2008 < http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=77> 5) Goleman, Daniel, Page 61 6) Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia: The Conflict Resolution Network, Chapter 1. Win-Win Approach. Pg.5, 27th nov’2008 < http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=77> 7) Conflict Resolution Trainers’ Manual – 12 skills. Chatswood, Australia: The Conflict Resolution Network, Chapter 3. Empathy Pg.12, 27th nov’2008 < http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=77> 8) Tillet Gregory and French Brendan, Resolving Conflict: A Practical Approach,. Oxford university presssouth Melbourne Victoria, Australia ,2000 9) Goleman, Daniel, Emotional Intelligence, The Bantam Publishing, New York, 1995 Read More