Describe and Analyze My Own Personal Loss - Essay Example

Reflective Essay on Personal Loss Experience Student’s Name: Institutional Affiliation: University: More often than not, when someone refers to a loss, people make the assumption that they are talking about death. However, the scope of loss does not always describe the physical passing of an individual but also, the feeling of being distant from someone emotionally. Experiencing loss is inevitable and mandatory to all human beings regardless of any distinguishing factors that they possess like gender, social status or race (Hooyman & Kramer, 2006). Everyone experiences loss in a different ways and deals with it in different ways too. Just as personalities are varies across the human race, so are the workings that they go through when they experience losses. The focus of this paper will be to describe and analyze my own personal loss, which is the breaking of a parental bond, from an individual perspective then in the light of different theoretical approaches with an end result of the key issues that can be applied to other clients’ in counseling. As a counselor, I will make use of my own experiences to find the best way to help those going through the same problem. Two years ago in 2009, I experienced a loss of my own. My parental bond was broken. My parents and I had irreparable differences and as a result, I chose to cut them off from my life completely. I had to make the decision to excommunicate them as I realized there was no hope of things between us getting better. I had grown tired of their insensitive attitude to my sensitivity. The environment at home was bad for me and it became so severe that I was hospitalized for depression. After this, I knew that I had to make actionable changes and though of the idea of going to counseling sessions with my mother. When I presented the suggestion to my mother, she out rightly refused and told me to go to hell. I had hoped that the sessions would help us heal our troubled relationship. The response I got from her was the last straw and I told her that there was nothing else to be said. Since that day, I have acknowledged neither my mother nor father. I have no regrets about the decision that I made. Life is better for me now than it was then and by cutting ties with what was holding me back, I have been able to move on with my life. Despite this, I am still nostalgic for a good relationship with my parents. I would be lying if I said otherwise. I think of them sometimes and especially during holidays like Christmas. However, my thought of them are devoid of heavy emotion of any kind. I experienced a loss, accepted it and grieved as required thus, I am not too emotionally charged when it come to my parents. For instance, just the other day, I was looking at some old pictures and I came across some of my mother and father; I was devoid of any positive or negative feelings towards them. According to Worden, this exhibition of behavior typifies an individual who has completed their grieving (2003). I experienced a tangible/interpersonal loss. The relationship that I would have had with my parents was problematic and severed. Bowlby’s attachment theory as to the relationship that I had with my parents explains why the loss did not take much toll on my emotions. Consequently I was not too traumatized by the loss of the relationship with my parents. John Bowlby’s theory explains that I became an avoider of attachments (Giannoni & Corradi, 2006). The attachment theory elucidates the development of relationships between a child and their caregiver (Bowlby, 1969). Attachment is an active ingredient throughout a person’s life. The foundation that has been laid and the progression of relationships lead to different types of attachments being formed throughout an individual’s life. Experiences that people have can reveal the type of attachments that people have. In my case, the experiences I had with my parents and finally the loss revealed that I was an avoider of attachment. The theory is also relevant in explaining my depression. Bowlby explains that when a child is rejected by his parents, the message that is conveyed to them is that they are unwanted or unlovable. As a result, the child develops internal working models that are insecure. The feelings of being unloved contribute to depressive feelings. When a child is younger, they have greater need for physical proximity to their caregivers and this is how they judge the relationship (Mehrtens, 2008). However, as they grow up, they internalize the responses and experiences that they receive from their caregivers. From these internalizations, they form internal working models that speak to how the individual regards themselves and others from an attachment point of view. Infants who are avoidant in forming attachments had primary caregivers who were dismissing of them. This is an accurate representation of what I experienced with my own parents. They were insensitive and dismissing to my sensitivity and as a result, I developed an internal working model that made me avoid attachments. Consequently, I was not so emotionally vested in the relationship between my parents and I. Thus, when I severed my family ties, I was not emotionally crushed by the experience since there were no emotions to crush. Sigmund Freud’s mourning theory supports this experience in that mourning ends when one decides it will by cutting emotional ties with the subject of the loss and replaces it with something else (Clewell, 2002). Freud adds that mourning follows a systematic procedure that is concluded when the mourner ceases to have any emotional ties to the subject of their loss (Clewell, 2002). After my parents and I had a fall out, I went through a period where I grieved over the loss then got over it. Later when I saw my parent’s pictures, I did not feel any strong emotion for them. This conforms to Freud’s theory seeing as how my mourning ended when I relinquished the feelings that I had for my parents and therefore had diminished ones when I thought of them (Clewell, 2002). It should be noted that these feelings are both positive and negative. In order to deal with the loss that I experienced, I sought the help of a therapist who took me through mourning tasks. The tasks that I went through with my therapist were similar to Worden’s tasks of mourning. One of the tasks is to accept the loss as a reality. Then allow yourself to experience the grief which is followed by adjusting and adapting to the current environment that the subject of the loss is not a part of. Lastly, one diverts the emotional energy they had about the subject to a different interest (Worden, 2003). If these tasks fail to be completed, the individual will be unable to move on with their lives. Instead, their lives will be characterized by misplaced aggression, sadness and heavy emotional vestment in the subject of their loss. Based on my experience, I completed the tasks effectively since I was no longer emotionally vested in my parents and I moved forward with my life focusing on counseling others using my experiences as a foundation for understanding people. The first task of accepting that the loss is a reality describes a situation where an individual needs to accept the situation for what it is without harboring any false hope (Worden, 2003). Failure to do so will manifest later in life in a different form. For my part, I accepted that the relationship between my parents and I had been a downward spiral for a long time and that I would have to live with the fact that they did not have a lot of emotional investment in me and that they were not interested in making the situation between us better. This was evident by the way my mother refused to go to counseling sessions, when I suggested it. In addition, I would have to accept that the ties I had with them were a thing of the past. After this, I had to work through the emotions that I was feeling at the time. I had to allow myself to grieve and feel the loss, so as to move on without unresolved emotions. At this point, one is expected to acknowledge the emotions and feelings they have and resolve any that are conflicting (Worden, 2003). I let myself feel the pain of losing my parents. After that, I proceeded to adjust to the environment that I was in. this adjustment is both emotional and economic. I made a life for myself and moved on to become a counselor. Lastly, one has to focus their emotions on a different subject. I focused mine on getting better and helping others work through similar problems. Stroebe and Schutt say that following a loss, an individual may temporarily exhibit joy and happiness before the reality sets in. Sometimes; people forget the loss they have experienced. This is the reason for needing to accept reality before making progress (1999). Even though the theories by Bowlby, Freud and Worden are relevant to explaining my own grieving experience, some of their arguments are not as supporting while some are. From Bowlby’s attachment theory, parents who are distant from their children emotionally and diminishing will lead to a result of the child being emotionally distant to them as well (Giannoni & Corradi, 2006). This is supported by Freud’s theory. Loss is the result of a loved one or some abstraction that is important to the individual like, in my case, parental bond. Worden also supports that grief can be brought about by a loss that sis not necessarily death but includes loss of an aspect that had a lot of emotional charge towards it. These characteristics of grief are universal. However, Worden also describes denial as one of the most common reactions to a loss. This was not so in my case since the situation had been building up for while. The situation can be different owing to previous experiences. In addition, Bowlby descries grief as following a systematic process (Mehrtens, 2008). This is not always so, my depressive state happened before the loss. This shows that grief is not always linear and can be influenced by other variables. Having experienced loss and grieving to the point where I succeeded in moving forward and becoming a better person, my experiences can be a useful tool for helping others in similar situations. From the experiences that I had, I can help counsel others going through similar experiences because I can empathize with them from a realistic point of view. I also have firsthand experience to the grieving process of men. Masculine grieving is distinguished by its characteristics and the process as long as the period it happens in. most of the time, men have moderated feelings where the emotions that are brought up by the loss are not shown outwardly but rather refocused on other tasks that give them a sense of control (Appleby, 2009). When my mother refused to go for counseling, I did not show any outward emotions towards her but focused on moving on with my life. In addition, men often go in the path of finding strategies that will adapt to the situation as it is. I chose to go to a counselor to work through my grief. In addition, men often prefer to sort their problems alone rather than join support groups (Appleby, 2009). In order to help men work through their grief, it is important for a counselor to give these preferences great consideration. They should put more emphasis on helping them through problem solving activities and actions. These include relocating energy and emotions to more productive areas in the individual’s life. Also, they should acknowledge and applaud their efforts towards fitting into their new environment as opposed to criticizing them for not expressing themselves (Appleby, 2009). A therapist armed with these tools will be of great help to a grieving male. Meeting with a therapist proved to be productive on my part. By the therapist utilizing the Gestalt one where our focus was on my situation, I was able to work through my grief successfully (Kirby, 2010). Everyone needs help on life to deal with difficult situations; counseling is one of the surest ways to get through grief because it heals a person as a whole and gives them something to look forward to and a direction in life after the loss. Counseling provides a process of grieving that results in the person becoming better both emotionally and physically. Gestalt one is a therapy that describes the most useful approach by therapists as being on the present or the here and now (Pack, 2009). By focusing on the processes and the content of lives, people can work through their problems successfully. My therapist guided me to focus on the situation as it was and make the most of what I could at that moment, through this, I was able to realize the usefulness of letting go of my emotional lead and focus it on more productive activities. As a result, my grief process was completed successfully. In addition, Gestalt therapy views a person as a whole unit and not separate ones. The mind and body are all part of a person’s wellness (AIPC, 2011). The healing process that a person goes through happens to his entire body. My counseling process incorporated this aspect into my grieving process. By utilizing Worden’s tasks, I was able to heal my mind which in turn made me feel better physically, as I focused my energies on counseling instead of on my parents. The body is an integration of the parts that make it up; therefore, the counseling process should be whole too. Also, awareness is a vital part of the Gestalt therapy since it is considered as an individual’s major display of getting well and the willingness to do so (AIPC, 2011). This was also incorporated in my counseling sessions. The first task according to Worden is to accept the reality of the situation which incorporates being aware of what is going on. By concentrating on the present and being conscious of what is happening currently and not what happened in the past. This helps one let go of the painful experiences of the past and the feelings they bring up. In conclusion, it is evident that the situation I went through puts me in a better position to help other people who may be going through similar things. As a counselor, different theories will be useful in coming up with approaches of counseling. However, it is also important to keep an open mind as people are different and they deal with grief in varying ways. Counselors who have had previous experiences in counseling are in a better position to help their clients. Counseling is the most effective way of getting through a loss successfully. This owes to the fact that the best approaches to getting through grief are contained in literature that counselors have knowledge of and can best out to use. References Appleby, D. (2009). Masculine Ways of Grieving. Retrieved 27 June, 2011, from http://www.daleappleby.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=152:masculine-ways-of-grieving&catid=71:christian-living&Itemid=75 Australian Institute of Professional Counselors (AIPC). (2011). Gestalt therapy. Retrieved 27 June, 2011 from http://www.aipc.net.au/articles/?p=184 Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and Loss. Vol. 1: Attachment. London: Pimlico. Quotations from 1997 reprint Clewell, T. (2002). Mourning Beyond Melancholia: Freud’s Psychoanalysis of Loss. Retrieved 27 June, 2011, from http://www.apsa.org/portals/1/docs/japa/521/clewell.pdf Giannoni, M. & Corradi, M., (2006). How the Mind Understands Other Minds: cognitive psychology, attachment and reflective function, Journal of Analytic Psychology, 51 (2), 271-284 Hooyman, N. R., & Kramer, B. J. (2006). Living Through Loss: Interventions Across the Life Span, review. Retrieved on June 27,2011, from http://cup.columbia.edu/book/978-0-231-12246-7/living-through-loss/reviews Kirby, M. (2010). Gestalt Equine Psychotherapy. Gestalt Journal of Australia and New Zealand, 6(2), 60-68. Retrieved on June 27,2011, from http://www.gestaltequineinstitute.com/pdf/GANZ%20Jounal%20Vol6%20No2%20May%202010%20-%20Gestalt%20Equine%20Psychotherapy.pdf Mehrtens, J. (2008). Secure Attachment Creates Bold Explorers: Viewing the Group Through the Lens of Attachment Theory. Australian and New Zealand Psychodrama Association Incorporated thesis. Retrieved on June 27,2011, from http://anzpa.org/system/files/115.pdf Pack, M. (2009). Towards a Dialogic Relationship. Gestalt Journal of Australia and New Zealand, 5(2), 60-78. Retrieved on June 27,2011, from http://researcharchive.vuw.ac.nz/bitstream/handle/10063/954/article.pdf?sequence=2 Stroebe, M.S., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies. 23:3, 197-224. Williams, E. N., & Fauth, J. (2005). A psychotherapy process study of therapist in session self- awareness. Psychotherapy Research, 15(4), 374-381. Retrieved on June 27, 2011 the PsycINFO database Worden, J. W. (2003). Grief counselling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner. New York: New York Taylor & Francis. Retrieved on June 27, 2011, from the E-Books database Read More