The Emotional History and Development of My-Self - Assignment Example

Understanding Emotional Intelligence - Reflecting on My-Self The Two Part Paper Assignment Course Title: Human Emotions Tutor – Eric. L. Dlugokinsky Student Name: Student Number: Date: April 21, 2008 “Each of us can experience the breadth of our emotions by accepting the difficult moments and enjoying the pleasant ones”. (Dlugokinski 1987a, p. 1) Introduction Even though human beings experience powerful emotions at many points of time in their lives, a comparative few alone realize the importance and significance of understanding emotions, their causes and origins, or the ways to re-direct them efficiently and progressively. Researchers like Coleman, Dlugokinski, and others have explicated the significance of understanding human emotions in unlocking the psychological mysteries of human beings. Recognizing and coming to terms with one’s own emotions may be considered as the most elementary steps to acquiring emotional intelligence. The essay comprises of Part A, which shall unravel the emotional history and development of my-self, and include a few instances from various aspects of familial, cultural, and gender-related experiential issues that have impacted my life. Next, Part B shall outline in a concrete manner, the steps that I plan to take in order to improve my emotional competency and expression, with an example from some of the problem situations that I frequently face. In the process, it is my endeavor to attain astute knowledge of emotional intelligence based on the guidelines provided by the renowned psychologist Eric Dlugokinski, in his work entitled Coping: A Reading Series for Acquiring Emotional Competence (1987), and Coleman’s work Emotional Intelligence; Why it Can Matter More than IQ (2005). Part A Mother’s Emotional Turmoil My story is in many ways, similar to many modern, young, middleclass, American citizens’. The feelings and emotions that have pulled me down at times, and, propelled me forward most of the times, helping me overcome the obstacles in my way are, of course, uniquely my own. Eric Dlugokinski in his work Caring Connections: without Co-Dependency (1990) observes that, “In families where there is an alcoholic adult there is a severe risk of co-dependence because the behavior of the drinking individual is so disruptive that the family members become sensitized to the moods of that individual” (p.8); my story correlates well with his observations. I hail from a single-parent family. My two sisters, three brothers and I, were brought up by my mother. It appears that my mother has unconsciously been a role model for me. I have been a witness to all the hardships and difficulties she patiently bore, in order to bring us up, in relative comfort. Despite the fact that family was on welfare, and my mother had to work long, hard hours, in order to make ends meet, she never gave us to understand that we were poor. She instilled in us a sense of dignity, and respect for cleanliness. Our rooms and belongings were always tidy, and aesthetically made up, with in our affordable limits. My mother was a strict disciplinarian mindful of inculcating good habits in her children, lovingly sensitive to her children’s needs, a meticulous planner of finances, saving for difficult times, and more than all this, a strong person who never flinched at pain. She managed all this despite a speech impediment and a sad past. She suffered emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my alcoholic father, who often abused not only his wife, but also his children. Fumbling Under Fear I recollect that the most striking emotion when my father was around was ‘fear’. It gripped me, my mother and indeed my siblings too, to such an extent that it not only made us suppress our pain when he hurt us, but also hardened us mentally, to face violence. It continued for as long as seven years. On one such episode, I incurred a head injury and my hospitalization thereof made my mother realize that she had put up with too much. She separated from my father, after which we shifted to Bronx, New York. Dlugokinski (1987c) accurately observes that, “abused children” in general, “continue to be abused even after they are removed from their abusive environment” (p. 3). All of us including my mother lived in fear, long after we had left him. In retrospect, it appears that, even though my mother showered us with love and affection that more than compensated for all the pain afflicted on us by my father, she somehow felt hopeless and helpless regarding her inability to protect us from her husband’s cruelty. I state this based on the intensity of her reaction to the possible threats to her family, later on. Once, when my brother was threatened by a drug addict she did not hesitate even for a moment, to stake her life to protect his. This is a good example of how powerful human emotions can be, especially that of a parent could effect “to override the impulse for personal survival” (Coleman 2005, p. 4). Overcoming the Past and the Development of My ‘Self’ Just as for most of us, my development into adulthood too, has incorporated all the patterns learned in childhood and has contributed in one way or the other to my current personality and my current emotional status. As stated earlier, I have unconsciously been influenced by my mother’s actions as much as the dangerous environment that I lived in. I too, developed a pattern of responding irrationally whenever I perceived a threat to my family. This le me into a number of altercations and I felt a constant, almost uncontrollable tension within me every time I sensed some danger threatened any of my family members. This however, was strikingly absent when the threat was directed toward me. The pattern of suppressing my innermost responses of early childhood, instinctively made me suppress or ignore the conflict. It appears as if my intellectual brain has been dominating over my impulse to act, therefore leaving me devoid of reaction in such situations. The physical location of my grandmother’s residence, wherein I used to spend my weekends, was not exactly conducive to emotional well-being. It was filled with people who traded in drugs and used them, and fought over them, causing me to develop disenchantment and distrust about the world in general. Since my elders wanted me to be protected from such dangers they were extremely strict about my movements and teenage associations. Intellectual deficiency due to our poverty-stricken state also added to my frustration, and led me to develop poor self-esteem and self-worth. These two patterns have taken me quite some time to outgrow, which however, I did, later in my life after I joined the military. Another character that I automatically imbibed from my mother was hard work and toil. Early on, I used see her tired from her toil, and in order to help lighten her burden, I used to work. Her gesture of gratitude and joy in response to my understanding prompted me to work harder. As Coleman (2005) points out, “…chronic emotional distress in its many forms is toxic…” (p. 177) her emotional distress overpowered her and she lost the ability to speak coherently. Her ability to speak varied with her emotional state. However, as Dlugokinski (1987d) rightly states, “As children we may have felt responsible for the emotional welfare of our parents” (p. 15), I was able to take over and hence, am grateful to her in part, for my success. My poor academic performance was compensated by my hard work in sport. Boxing and athletics; ironically, even though I did not like either, I practiced because I excelled in them. Success motivated me to grow and to achieve my potential in both. Hard work, diligent learning of skills, and encouragement from the coaches aided positive emotions, helped me persevere, and make wise choices, forge friendships, and re-learn the art of protecting my self even after I left home, and joined the military. Conclusion (Part A) Emotions have great potential to determine the way live our lives. Through the process of personal reflection, and recounting my past, I have introspected on the instances have had significant emotional impact on my development and progress into adulthood. The strong emotional bond I felt with my mother, and the general turmoil that I have experienced in the past, seem to have indeed, influenced me greatly, with both positive and negative aspects. The single most identifiable deficiency may be self-esteem, lacking emotional intelligence or, as Coleman (2005) puts it not knowing the management of impulsive behavior (p. 193). On the positive side, I can modestly state that, with the help of my inherited capacity for hard work, and conscious effort to break my old patterns, I have already started making a new beginning. I took the conscious step of leaving home. It has allowed me to explore my own emotions and feelings, reduced our co-dependency. There is a lot more to learn, however. This study has helped me assess my self, on those traits that I have improved and converted into my assets, and also on those aspects which are lacking and still need to be improved. The study has kindled my interest to analyze constructively, the steps to be taken in that direction. Part B “By approaching our emotions consciously, we are alert and thoughtful and avoid becoming slaves to our emotional states. By approaching them compassionately, we seize opportunities for minimizing our pain and increasing our life satisfaction.” (Dlugokinski 1987a, p. 1) My Action-Plan for Improved Emotional Competency and Expression Having delved into an enlightening analyses of the incidents and manner in which my past has contributed in my emotional development, I now endeavor to progress onto the next logical step of laying out an action plan for the future. This plan, I envisage, shall prove to be an efficient guideline on those traits of mine that need improvement, and what are the specific ways in which I can go about doing the improvements. While drawing out the action plan, due recognition to my inherent strengths and the possibilities of enhancing them, or tapping on them to aid improvement in my deficient aspects, shall also be discussed. I shall try to make the maximum use of the constructive steps laid down in the mentioned works of Dlugokinski and Coleman in the delineation. In the end, I hope, to put the action plan into practice and ensure a better emotional status in future. Three Infallible Steps to Emotional Competency As Dlugokinski (1987a) succinctly puts it “Personal awareness of your thoughts and feelings precedes your ability to consider them. Your personal consciousness stops the action. You stall impulsive gestures on your part.” (p. 11). Dlugokinski (1987b) gives three sure measures to stay firmly in path to improved emotional expression; viz. 1) Recognition, 2) Thoughtful Choice and 3) Deliberate Expression (p. 1-18). He also warns us of some pitfalls that may prove to be obstacles to attaining emotional competency, like “Denial” of emotions and “Destructive Expression” (Dlugokinski 1987b, pp. 4-5) that are often incorrectly albeit traditionally reinforced, like children being taught expression of anger is wrong, and women ought to be ever-willing to sacrifice and so on. On a more personal level, these are the things I need to do: Start Self-Monitoring - Coleman has laid out the first step to improved emotional competency as self-awareness and cognizance of one’s emotions (2005, p. 43). This is because, without being aware of one’s emotional status, it may not be possible to take measures to correct them or enhance them. As regards my case, the analyses undertaken in Part A has clearly pointed to my deficiency in management of impulsive behavior. Now, this is detrimental to my emotional progress and therefore needs immediate attention. One possibility of the reason for such impulsive behavior may be stated as failing watch or monitor my self and my actions. Monitoring one-self, or observing one self at regular intervals and pausing to connect with one-self shall help prevent being overwhelmed by a sudden surge of emotions. Being aware of my emotions as they occur shall enhance my ability to think vividly without the emotion disrupting thinking the process itself (Coleman, 2005, p. 27). I should bear in mind that gaining self-awareness will open a new method of managing my emotions. Avoiding sudden surges of emotions shall ensure negation of surprises. Pause to Re-connect with Self - At this juncture pausing momentarily to cognize the possible options of reaction in front of me, shall enable me to choose the best option available under the circumstance. By doing this, I can reduce the levels of stress and anxiety that I experience each time I act impulsively. They are a menace to my physical well-being as well as to my emotional health. Furthermore, I should bear in mind that the, key to my spontaneity lies in ensuring that my chosen option among the available ones is indeed okay. Importantly, I should not forget (especially because I am prone to be impulsive) that, my impulses may sometimes mean trouble (Dlugokinski 1987b, p. 9). Pausing momentarily shall also enable me to keep the ‘bigger picture’ in mind that is my ultimate goal in mind, which is of vital importance. In turn, the recollection of my final goal can eliminate impulsiveness and help me reserve my focus and energy for the tasks I desire to accomplish. This step shall also help me also exercise my ability to empathize with others experiences Act with Deliberation- In other words, having given due thought to the options execute the best one. It may not be always the perfect solution, however, under given the circumstance, that option would be the best option. I should also bear in mind that sometimes I am not even be able act in particular fashion that I may want to, since it would worsen matters. In such cases, rather than locking my emotions inside, I should choose an innocuous way of dealing with it (Dlugokinski 1987b, pp.11-16). Mock Play with a Problem Situation As stated earlier, it has always been my weakness to act impulsively whenever I perceive a threat to my immediate family members. Sometimes, I tend to perceive even the casual comments and gestures made towards the female members of my family, by strangers as possible threats to their safety. It has always made me over-react and have got myself into some serious arguments because of this. Most of the times such comments warrant no response and are best ignored. However, when such things happen in my presence, I react instinctively, and find myself in an aggressive position even before I realize what I am doing. In future, however, I am determined to be prepared for such possibilities, with these steps practiced in my mind repeatedly: Step one, expect such situations to occur. Step two, be extra alert to my own thoughts when going out with female members. Step three, in the eventuality of some comments being passed, breathe deeply five times. Step four, count up to fifty slowly. Step five, observe if there is really any threat to the female member. If the answer is yes, then, analyze the situation to be effectively dealt with, with minimum damage. If the answer is no, then allow my mind to choose between ignoring it or laughing it off. Furthermore, I shall tell myself that these people who do pass the comments, often times mean no real harm, or may be just commenting without really thinking about what they are saying. In other words, this would mean improving my ability to see things through the eyes of others. Even if I am not entirely successful initially, I shall tap my positive aspects of perseverance and capability to work hard towards a goal, and achieve self-control. Thus by taking single step at a time, I shall gradually reduce the number of times I react impulsively, and then reduce the intensity of my impulsiveness. This shall be one definite achievement in my quest to improve emotional competency and expression. I shall then identify other deficiencies in a similar manner and device ways to overcome them. Dealing with one deficiency at a time, allows me to focus on it and increases the chances of certain and speedier repair. Conclusion (Part B) Analyses of my emotional deficiencies have helped me identify one of them, for a beginning. Based on the learning and knowledge gained from invaluable research works of Coleman and Dlugokinski, I have designed a model to overcome my deficiency of impulsive behavior which frequently put me into problems. By careful rehearsing of the sequence of steps that include diligent practicing of steps and pausing momentarily before reacting to any situation, I am confident of gradually overcoming my weakness; this will be my first sure step towards improving my emotional competency and expression. The study of the texts have definitely helped open new avenues of self-management and given me deep insights into the significance of constructive reactions. References Coleman, D. (2005): Emotional Intelligence; Why it Can Matter More than IQ. Bantam Dell, A Division of Random House Inc. New York, Dlugokinski, L Eric (1987a). “Booklet 2- Becoming Friends: Approaching Our Emotions With An Attitude That Works” in Getting Acquainted: Understanding Our Emotions: Coping: A Reading Series for Acquiring Emotional Competence. Feelings Factory Inc. Raleigh. Pp 1-13. Dlugokinski, L Eric (1987c). “Booklet 4 - When Things Aren't Easy: Coping With Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Depression” in Getting Acquainted: Understanding Our Emotions: Coping: A Reading Series for Acquiring Emotional Competence. Feelings Factory Inc. Raleigh. Pp 1-20. Dlugokinski, L Eric (1987d). “Booklet 1” in Getting Acquainted: Understanding Our Emotions: Coping: A Reading Series for Acquiring Emotional Competence. Feelings Factory Inc. P.15. Dlugokinski, L Eric (1990). Caring Connections: without Co-Dependency. Feelings Factory, Inc. Raleigh. Pp. 1-81. References Coleman, D. (2005): Emotional Intelligence; Why it Can Matter More than IQ. Bantam Dell, A Division of Random House Inc. New York, Dlugokinski, L Eric (1987a). “Booklet 2- Becoming Friends: Approaching Our Emotions With An Attitude That Works” in Getting Acquainted: Understanding Our Emotions: Coping: A Reading Series for Acquiring Emotional Competence. Feelings Factory Inc. Raleigh. Pp 1-13. Dlugokinski, L Eric (1987b). “Booklet 3 - Staying Friends: The Three Steps To Coping” in Getting Acquainted: Understanding Our Emotions: Coping: A Reading Series for Acquiring Emotional Competence. Feelings Factory Inc. Raleigh. Pp 1-18. Dlugokinski, L Eric (1987c). “Booklet 4 - When Things Aren't Easy: Coping With Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Depression” in Getting Acquainted: Understanding Our Emotions: Coping: A Reading Series for Acquiring Emotional Competence. Feelings Factory Inc. Raleigh. Pp 1-20. Dlugokinski, L Eric (1990). Caring Connections: without Co-Dependency. Feelings Factory, Inc. Raleigh. Pp. 1-81. Read More